This post is a different from the norm of what I usually write. My heart is tired, my patience is thin, I'm tired of smiling when I just want to ball up and cry and I need to just release some of what I'm feeling. So, don't get mad if I'm being harsh... this is 6 years of emotions spilling out here.
Some know what I've gone through the last 6 years, and by know I mean they are aware of why my husband and I don't have kids. Some have no idea we did not choose to wait 6+ years before expanding our family. This has got to be the hardest roller coaster of emotions I've ever had to ride. It goes on forever and I can't get off!
First... I appreciate you trying to give me words of comfort, but honestly it makes it worse.
•Just because some magic plan worked for so-and-so, doesn't mean it will for me
•If you think I should try medical intervention... then you pay for it
•"Maybe if you lost some weight". It's actually not that easy for me
•"Just Relax" isn't an option
•Adoption isn't the same thing (and also requires $$$)
•Saying "take mine for a while, that'll fix your baby desire" is the last thing I want/need to hear
•"Do you really want to bring a child into this horrible world?" is also a stupid thing to say
I'm mad... Really really mad. Not AT people, but at people (if that makes sense).... I'm mad at the fertile Myrtles, I'm mad at the women who complain about their kids, I'm mad at the fact that I'm being bombarded by pregnant women recently, I'm mad at the pregnancy progress posts on Facebook. I'm mad that I can't do anything about it. I'm mad that my husband's faith is unwavering and he's content in the meantime. I'm mad that I feel that I can't cry about it (unless it's to myself... in the shower... as quietly as possible so my husband doesn't hear...).
Let me help you help me....
•Its okay to not say anything. I've already heard it all (see above).
•Its okay to cry with me. Empathy lets me know you care.
•Pray for me. For comfort. For endurance. For peace.
•You can bring up a pregnancy, just don't include the "I'm sorry it's not you" face.
•If you are thinking about it me, let me know. I feel so alone in this.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
Purging Is A Good Thing
I have become more aware in the last few weeks of how much time I spend on social media. Every once in a while my husband will ask me to set it down and have some face time with him and I do, but feel annoyed that he's acting like I'm ALWAYS nosing around Facebook or Instagram.
Welp... I'm ready to admit it...
Hi, I'm Becky and I'm a Social Media Addict
Ugh... I hate that I've been sucked into it. Constantly scrolling through my news feed to see what going on. Refreshing Instagram to see what hip picture is up. Spending hours on Pinterest with nothing to show for it.
I'm not planning on cutting all social media out, but I do plan on scaling down A LOT. Unfriending people who I haven't spoken to in months upon months, unfollowing people that I've never met. Lessening my time on Pinterest so those Bible Study & Health tips I've pinned can be put to use.
Pray for me as I detox. I want my immediate response during down time to be reaching for my Bible, not my phone. I want to spend time in prayer and seeking God not searching out the goings on of other's lives.
I need God time... not me time.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Perfect Timing
A year ago I started an online Bible study. I never thought then that it would be exactly what I needed in this current season of my life.
I'm battling hurts that I don't think were intentional, yet severely painful. I didn't think when I chose the book of Job for us to read through it would be so personal for me.
In Job we find he has lost all he has, including his family, because Satan challenged God and God allowed Satan to do all except kill Job to prove he would stay faithful to God. His friends first seem very supportive. They mourned with him, sat with him while he grieved. Then after a week his friends (in my opinion) turn on him. They start accusing him of sinning against God and that's why God is doing this to him. Job stays steady in the fact that regardless of why God is destroying him (even though we know it wasn't God... it was Satan) he did nothing wrong and will not speak against him.
The part that has spoken to me was the other day when I was reading chapter 25. Job's "friends" were making me mad. People he thought were people he could rely on, men he respected had turned on him. I have felt like that. My husband and I made a decision we knew God was pleased with and in turn we have had friends and family treat us like strangers and I didn't realize just how angry and hurt I still was until I read that chapter.
God has used that and words from two dear friends to help truly heal the hurt I feel. We are getting ready to peak into where Job turns to God and questions what is going on. I'm eager to learn exactly what is said between them. While I continue in Job, I will pray for healing, I will forgive even though it's not been asked for. I will move forward in building the Kingdom rather than stay and wallow in my self pity.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
"Rapture Now"
One of my favorite preachers jokes about when he's found himself in positions he doesn't care for (whether awkward, boring or in trouble with his wife) he will say "Lord, Rapture... NOW!". Lately I've truly felt that way.
Seems like the last year has been one of ill doings in our county. Elected officials have committed crimes shaking our community. Hearing of sins committed and crimes going seemingly unpunished, my heart breaks. My spirit is weary.
It's been announced WV will now recognize gay marriage, a school district in Nebraska is banning referring to children as "boy" and "girl" and suggests using the term "purple penguin" as to be "gender inclusive". REALLY!?
My head is full of emotions... anger, sadness, fear, uncertainty, impatience...
Let me let you in on a secret...
Touching a child inappropriately is SIN
Stealing money is SIN
Selling narcotics is SIN
Homosexuality is SIN
Isaiah 5:20 says "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" Letting sin go unpunished is the same as saying it's good...
My heart breaks as I try to wrap my mind around how people could behave this way toward another person. I cry out to God to come now... I'm ready. I know where my eternity will be.
Seems like the last year has been one of ill doings in our county. Elected officials have committed crimes shaking our community. Hearing of sins committed and crimes going seemingly unpunished, my heart breaks. My spirit is weary.
It's been announced WV will now recognize gay marriage, a school district in Nebraska is banning referring to children as "boy" and "girl" and suggests using the term "purple penguin" as to be "gender inclusive". REALLY!?
My head is full of emotions... anger, sadness, fear, uncertainty, impatience...
Let me let you in on a secret...
Touching a child inappropriately is SIN
Stealing money is SIN
Selling narcotics is SIN
Homosexuality is SIN
Isaiah 5:20 says "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" Letting sin go unpunished is the same as saying it's good...
My heart breaks as I try to wrap my mind around how people could behave this way toward another person. I cry out to God to come now... I'm ready. I know where my eternity will be.
Friday, August 29, 2014
My heart exposed
This has been a trying week spiritually for The Langford's. Daily one or both of us were faced with news or found ourselves in conversations that broke us and left us drained. Literally from the start of the week Satan got daily pleasure in seeing us ending the day with heavy hearts and questioning minds.
A dearly loved compromising on their faith and their stand for Christ.
A preacher swaying towards the world to draw a crowd.
A spirit of Anti-Christ spreading lies and deceit all over the world
Hurt, lost souls who aren't in church because of how they were treated because of their past.
My mind is full of thoughts and my heart is full of emotions. I want to shake people, wag fingers of judgement in their face, throw a few dozen Bibles at them and tell them to learn themselves a thing or two! But that is not what God has called me to do. Right now... He's called me to prayer and fasting. He's called me to seek Him while He deals with things.
Dearly Loved,
Don't forget what God has done for you and all He's blessed You with. Soon, if you don't truly do all to glory God, He will remove His anointing and covering. That is a scary place to be.
Preacher,
You don't need to speak secular jokes and words to win a crowd. That's not what matters. You worry about your audience of One and He will draw souls to you because they see HIM in you.
Man of Deceit,
You may have fooled many, but God will overcome. As Christians rise up and call you on your lies, you will be brought down. Repent... Blasphemy is not something to mess with.
Hurting One,
On behalf of "my people" I'm sorry. It is not a Christian's job to judge and condemn. It is our job to love you to Christ and show you through the Word right from wrong. Those who turned you away will answer for that. Let me show you the love of Christ. A passionate love. A pure love. A love that draws you to salvation and The Lord.
A dearly loved compromising on their faith and their stand for Christ.
A preacher swaying towards the world to draw a crowd.
A spirit of Anti-Christ spreading lies and deceit all over the world
Hurt, lost souls who aren't in church because of how they were treated because of their past.
My mind is full of thoughts and my heart is full of emotions. I want to shake people, wag fingers of judgement in their face, throw a few dozen Bibles at them and tell them to learn themselves a thing or two! But that is not what God has called me to do. Right now... He's called me to prayer and fasting. He's called me to seek Him while He deals with things.
Dearly Loved,
Don't forget what God has done for you and all He's blessed You with. Soon, if you don't truly do all to glory God, He will remove His anointing and covering. That is a scary place to be.
Preacher,
You don't need to speak secular jokes and words to win a crowd. That's not what matters. You worry about your audience of One and He will draw souls to you because they see HIM in you.
Man of Deceit,
You may have fooled many, but God will overcome. As Christians rise up and call you on your lies, you will be brought down. Repent... Blasphemy is not something to mess with.
Hurting One,
On behalf of "my people" I'm sorry. It is not a Christian's job to judge and condemn. It is our job to love you to Christ and show you through the Word right from wrong. Those who turned you away will answer for that. Let me show you the love of Christ. A passionate love. A pure love. A love that draws you to salvation and The Lord.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
MY Healing
Its been a while since I last posted on here. I'm seeking God about some ministry work He is wanting to do with me and I believe doing this is part of that. So... pray with me as I try to work a little more on this and make it into something I can use to minister to others through.
As the family got together for the 4th of July it was good to spend time with family I don't get to see often. As things were winding down and people were getting ready to leave my uncle made this statement... "I did something selfish and asked God to heal my foot". It genuinely broke my heart. So many people think its selfish to ask God for something for themselves. They think its only proper or "godly" if you ask God things for others. I'm ashamed to say that the only response I gave was "it certainly is not selfish to ask God for something for you". God showed me this was an opportunity to testify and show in scripture that is certainly not the case, but I flunked!
The last few days I've been thinking about that and the scriptures that show that is not true. Thinking asking for yourself is greedy is a religous mindset... "Genetically altered Christianity" as one preacher says. Here are some scriptures I've been thinking on and pray that someone else who may be thinking this way as well will come to see it is perfectly okay for you to ask God for something for you :)
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5 KJV)
Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. (1 Peter 2:24 KJV)
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)
And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. (John 14:13 KJV)
Nowhere does it say that if you ask, unless you ask for YOU, you can have it. My stripes were for anyone you prayed for, so have someone pray for you. It is for you! Have you ever been on a plane and the stewardess tells you in the event of an emergency help yourself first then the person next to you? What good are you mamed??? And truth be told, I don't want to depend on someone else to pray for me for MY healing. What if they don't like me or their faith is weak? I think I'll handle it for myself thank you :)
I pray this helps anyone, whether it's you or you know someone, who feels this way. Life is so much more freeing when you understand the Bible and not just go by religious traditional mumbo jumbo.
As the family got together for the 4th of July it was good to spend time with family I don't get to see often. As things were winding down and people were getting ready to leave my uncle made this statement... "I did something selfish and asked God to heal my foot". It genuinely broke my heart. So many people think its selfish to ask God for something for themselves. They think its only proper or "godly" if you ask God things for others. I'm ashamed to say that the only response I gave was "it certainly is not selfish to ask God for something for you". God showed me this was an opportunity to testify and show in scripture that is certainly not the case, but I flunked!
The last few days I've been thinking about that and the scriptures that show that is not true. Thinking asking for yourself is greedy is a religous mindset... "Genetically altered Christianity" as one preacher says. Here are some scriptures I've been thinking on and pray that someone else who may be thinking this way as well will come to see it is perfectly okay for you to ask God for something for you :)
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5 KJV)
Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. (1 Peter 2:24 KJV)
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)
And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. (John 14:13 KJV)
Nowhere does it say that if you ask, unless you ask for YOU, you can have it. My stripes were for anyone you prayed for, so have someone pray for you. It is for you! Have you ever been on a plane and the stewardess tells you in the event of an emergency help yourself first then the person next to you? What good are you mamed??? And truth be told, I don't want to depend on someone else to pray for me for MY healing. What if they don't like me or their faith is weak? I think I'll handle it for myself thank you :)
I pray this helps anyone, whether it's you or you know someone, who feels this way. Life is so much more freeing when you understand the Bible and not just go by religious traditional mumbo jumbo.
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